Happy November friends! Thank you all for the kind messages on social media and through email, checking-in on me and the babies. Truth be told, I needed some time away and wasn't ready to share all that Jason and I were going through over the past couple of months. But now with November upon us and the season of Thanksgiving in full swing, it feels like the right time to share what I've been up to. After all, I have a whole lot to be thankful for!
On August 21st, at 31 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I went into early labor with the twins. I started experiencing contractions the night before and when I woke up with contractions just 3 minutes apart the next morning I knew something was wrong. Jason drove me to the hospital and after the doctors failed to stop my labor I was being prepped and in an emergency C-section by 10:30 am.
Just the day before I was buying maternity clothes for my extra-large belly, planning the nursery, and shooting bump photos for an upcoming post that would never make it to the blog. I would never have dreamed (in my worst nightmare) that the next day I would be delivering my babies...it was too soon.
The memories of that day, the epidural, the lights in the operating room, the first sound of my tiny babies crying in their strained barely audible tone, Beyoncé’s “Drunk in Love” playing in the operating room (so strange), a glimpse of my daughter’s tiny face before they whisked the babies away, it's all like one blurred and painfully surreal dream. That day was scary and sweet all tinted with nervous excitement and an unexplainable and overwhelming feeling of loss. It was the sudden end of my pregnancy and the beginning of a whole new life where my babies where here in the world! Tiny little babies who needed to spend the next 5 weeks in the NICU learning to breathe, eat, grow and gain weight outside of my body. Jason and I had no idea how we were about to be tested.
It wasn't until the third day in the hospital that I was finally able to visit our babies. I couldn't hold them, kiss their little faces, or nurse them. Instead I scrubbed in like a doctor about to go into surgery and sat in my wheel chair with my hands through the holes in the babies' incubators to lightly touch their little heads and feet. Nothing prepares you for seeing your baby so small and fragile covered in wires, on a feeding tube, oxygen and monitors. It was then that my life officially stopped and all that remained were our babies and the daily roller coaster which life with two babies in the NICU.
After 5 days in the hospital I was discharged and went home leaving my babies behind. That day was probably the worst I've experienced. Before all of this, I had a nostalgic vision of labor and later being wheeled out holding a baby in each arm, glowing with excitement at having just delivered our twins. That moment wouldn't come for me and at that time it was pretty hard to feel anything but sorrow. You can see why I haven't shared this until now...it's not happy stuff! But it get's better, I promise.
Over the next month I spent every day, and night in the NICU with the babies. Eventually as they grew, we were able to hold them, feed them, change their diapers and take their temperatures. I lived for those tiny moments before they were swaddled back up by the nurses and returned to their incubators to rest. When I got the chance to change a diapers it felt like Christmas and that should be saying something!
But here is where the thankful part really comes in. Despite their pre-maturity, the twins began to thrive almost from the beginning. Every day I pumped breast milk to take to them, it was my only mission in life. That milk was the one thing I was able to give them and even if it was fed through a feeding tube and later a bottle, I felt connected to them as a result. Every day Jason and I held them, prayed over them, kissed their little heads and gave them as much love as we could. And my little miracle babies turned out to be fighters!
First our baby boy came home and a week later our baby girl. It hasn't been without it's ups and downs but even when I’m up all night with two newborns who are now able to nurse, cry just as loudly as any baby, have full blown diaper blow outs, spit up and do all of those normal newborns things, I'm ever thankful. So, very grateful that God has blessed us with two beautiful and healthy babies to complete our family. I will never stop being grateful for them or for the journey that put so much into perspective for me.
My heart is so full as I say, meet our babies Jackson Wesley & Millie Rose Bergman! I’m so lucky to be their mama. Motherhood is by far the most amazing blessing I’ve ever received.
photos by Leah & Jason Bergman
DanielleDP says
Leah, thank you for sharing! From one mommy who started motherhood in the trenches to another (my first daughter had a congential heart defect), I know how very sweet every moment is. I am soooo happy for you. This story brought tears to my eyes. I love that you have them home and are able to be nursing them. What a blessing. Kiss those babies and hold them every moment you want to. Soak them in. And enjoy all of your amazing firsts. This beginning was not what you would have imagined. And you will mourn the things you thought you'd have, but you and your little family are stronger than you know and this story has created a foundation that you wouldn't believe. I think back to my husband and my start to parenthood and all I can feel is such a strong, deep love for the man I was in the trenches with. You can see your glow and love for your little family in each picture. Enjoy and again, thank you for sharing your story with us.
Leah Bergman says
Thank you Danielle. Now you have me all teary eyed! I had no idea that your daughter was born with a heat defect. I can only imagine just how hard that was for you and your husband. My little brother was born with one as well but is now a thriving 12 year old. 🙂 As for the twins, It's been a long road but I am just so thankful to have them both home and healthy. I know it's not the end of doctors visits (due to their prematurity) and follow-ups but I am just beyond thankful to spend every day with them. And I do spend just about every waking minute holding and kissing the heck out of them! I think we all are making up for lost time in the beginning. Sending lots of love to you and your family. Thanks for being such a supportive friend. xo
Planning for Paris says
This just brought me to tears!! SO thankful they are happy and healthy at home with you! Congratulations on your beautiful babies!!
Leah Bergman says
Oh gosh, thank you so much! xoxo
Danielle Esparza says
I, and I'm sure many of your other readers, have been wondering about your babies and I'm so glad to hear they're happy and healthy. You and your husband are proof of what true parental love can do for little ones. Congratulations and enjoy every moment!
Leah Bergman says
Gosh, thank you Danielle. All we can do is love our babies, am I right? xo
Tiffany @ Savor Home says
I've been thinking of you! I have adored you and your blog for so long and I was praying that everything was ok! I'm so thankful that you and those beautiful babies are doing well. I pray that God continues to provide health and comfort to you and your family! 🙂
Leah Bergman says
Aw, thank you so much Tiffany! I am praying for the same. Thank you for your well wishes, prayers and support. xo
Courtney says
Congratulations!! It was a tough beginning but so happy to hear they are doing so great!
Leah Bergman says
Thanks Courtney! Yes, it sure was but they are doing so well now. 🙂
Marisa says
Leah, thank you for sharing with all of us! You are so brave & strong, and those babies are in such good hands with you & Jason. Praying for your little family & that the twins continue to grow healthily & happily. I'm so happy to hear that you're all doing well now. Lots of love & encouragement to you! Xoxo
Leah Bergman says
Thanks Marisa for keeping us in your prayers! I sure didn't feel very brave or strong while I was going through it but looking back I guess I had to be. I'm just so happy we are all home together now. Can't wait for you to meet them. xo
samantha says
I"m so happy they babies are growing and healthy! I was checking in constantly and happy to hear, that through the ups and downs you and your babies are home safe and sound! Congratulations - your babes are beautiful! So happy for your family!
Leah Bergman says
Thank you so much Samantha! You can't ask for more than healthy babies. 🙂
Cyd says
I am still so so happy for you, Jason and the babies and so happy that everyone is home and doing so well. I know it has been a long road for you and I've been thinking about you often as I make my way through the homestretch over here myself. 36 weeks 3 days today and fully not comprehending what's about to happen in the next few weeks. I can't wait to see how your little ones grow! xoxoxo
Leah Bergman says
Thank you Cyd! Hang in there my friend. I'm so excited for you and your new little baby on the way too. I hope you are enjoying the end of your pregnancy and resting lots. Thanks for all of the continual love and support. xo
Stacy says
Congratulations on your two beautiful babies!!!! I'm sure that must have been excruciating to go through and I'm so glad that you're on the other side and can start enjoying the norms of motherhood. I had pregnancy issues from 32 weeks on and ended up having to be induced at 37 weeks for her well being. It was a very bumpy start (hospitalization, feeding issues and so on) but we made it to the other side! Thinking back on that time still makes me tear up and you endured so much more for so much longer. You are one tough momma!!!! What luckily little babes to have you as their mom!
Leah Bergman says
Thank you Stacy! It was really tough but I am enjoying being home with my babies even more now (if that's possible) because of the journey it took to get here. And just for the record, we are both tough mommas! xo
lexi @ glitterinc.com says
This is so beautifully written. I'm so sorry for your scare but so thrilled to see how well they're doing. My baby girl came a month early and I was terrified but she's wonderful now. It's incredible how resilient they truly are! Congratulations!!
Leah Bergman says
Thank you Lexi! Yes, they really are resilient. Thank God for modern medicine and for our little fighter babies. xo
Celeste says
Absolutely beautiful Leah! Thanks for the tears!:) I love you guys and I am so incredibly happy for you all!!!!
Leah Bergman says
Aw, thank you Celeste! We love you guys right back.
Ellen | in my Red Kitchen says
Oh my, look at their beautiful happy faces! Húge congratulations Leah and Jason!
I can't even imagine how it must feel like to go into labor that early and spent 5 weeks at the NICU. I went into labor at 38 weeks and it still felt too early, and after 2 days in postpartum we were on our way home but unfortunately we had to turn around and take Stella to the ER where she was admitted to the NICU and she had to stay one week. And like you said, coming home after labor and delivery but without your baby(s) is the worst thing ever. I never cried so much in my life.
And that week at the NICU already felt too long, 5 weeks must have been terrible.
But let's focus on the bright side, even after 4,5 months the whole experience (labor and delivery, the NICU and later on some feeding issues) haunts me, but the best thing is a happy healthy and thriving baby!
And you have two and they are beautiful! Lots of luck and happiness (and milk and drool and poop and giggles 😉 ) xx Ellen
Leah Bergman says
Thank you so much Ellen! I'm sorry to hear that your little one was in the NICU as well. That must have been so hard to have to bring her back to the hospital after being sent home. I hope she is doing well now. Aren't feeding issues the worst? It's so hard. Thanks again for the well wishes. xo
Carly Minner says
I know we have all been thinking about you and we are happy to hear that things are going well! Congrats on your beautiful babies and thank you for sharing your story!
Leah Bergman says
Thank you Carly!
Jess says
Congratulations, Leah! I am seriously so beyond happy to see this post. I probably sound like a lunatic because I don't know you, but I seriously considered personally emailing you to make sure you were okay a few days ago since I hadn't seen you on here or social media. Now it all makes sense! Your babies are seriously beautiful, and I'm so happy you're enjoying them and focusing on being their mama. You are awesome! 🙂
Leah Bergman says
Thanks so much Jess and no you don't sound like a lunatic! I appreciate you thinking of me, it means a lot. Focusing on these babies is the best but I am slowly getting back into blogging as well so hopefully I won't be quite as MIA. 😉
Sarah says
What a beautiful and heartfelt story! My first son was born with a cleft lip and palate, and I too had to leave him in the NIC-U. So I can relate to what you're saying, especially about the pumping and the will to get that milk. God bless and enjoy your beautiful bundles!
tobylynne says
I have been wondering where you were spending your time! Congratulations on your two sweet little ones. They are darling. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. We are very happy to see you and your family healthy and safe!
Caroline says
I have a younger brother and sister, they`re twins. And we went through the exact same thing with them as you did. Pre-maturity is a very difficult thing to cope with, for the parents and the babies! Next week my siblings are celebrating their 18th birthday and they`re as healthy as any other teenagers!
I wish you all the luck with your beautiful babies! (Funny thing: Your twins are looking exactly the same as my brother and sister at that age!)
Love, Caroline
http://www.carolinespassion.wordpress.com
Leah Bergman says
Thank you Caroline! Yes, pre-maturity is very tough. It's so great to hear that your brother and sister are healthy thriving teenagers! Thank you for the well wishes. 🙂
Alyssa says
What a scary time you all went through, but thank you for sharing your story! I kept checking online in various places when we hadn't seen any news from you & I was just hoping you and the little ones were okay. So happy to learn that they are now home safe & thriving...
Congrats!
readswritesrollerskates says
Leah, Congratulations on Jackson and Millie (the cutest names!)! I'm so glad that all worked out, that they're healthy little ones. Wow—what an experience. Reading this brought tears. All best.
Jennifer says
So glad to see your post, Leah. I cannot imagine all the stresses you and your husband have had to handle--it's very generous of you to share something so harrowing and personal. How wonderful your little ones are thriving! Your photos brought tears to my eyes--sooo beautiful! I wish you and your family much happiness and joy!
Whitney Martin says
I was a preemie (6 weeks early!) and my mom tells a very similar story of me being whisked away, and wanting nothing more than to hold me, and to feel like a mom. The photos my me in an incubator remind me that I am a fighter, and that I am strong. Congratulations on the birth of your miracle babies!
Carla says
This post is so close to my heart. I have almost 11 month old b/g twins and they were born at 30 weeks 4 days. My baby girl spent 7 weeks in the NICU and my baby boy spent 8 and then came home on oxygen for another couple of months. It was the hardest time of our lives but also one of the biggest blessings. God showed me strength through my two little miracles. It is so amazing to be past that fragile stage (and I can't believe I have to plan a first birthday now!!) congratulations on your babies (I know they're a little older now). Sending love and prayers to a fellow twin mama! ❤️
Leah Bergman says
Thank you Carla! It's hard for anyone to understand what it's like to have babies in the NICU unless they've lived it. It's a heart wrenching experience but definitely makes you stronger. Thank God for both of our healthy babies! Have fun planning their first birthday. My twins are 6 months and I feel like the time is just flying by.