Are you ready for the understatement of the century? Here goes…The first year with babies is tough.
I've been skirting around this post topic for months now and have sat down to write some version of it at least a dozen time, but the words simply don’t come. Not because I have nothing to say but because I can't seem to put all of my raw emotions into any sort of cohesive blog post. Or because my sleep deprived brain has somehow forgotten how to function, ya, it may be that.
Yes, I'm still sleep deprived and no, my babies do not not sleep through the night yet and they are 10 months old. But that's an entirely different post, one I never wrote because I couldn't find the right words.
In fact, there are plenty of posts I never found the words to write. Posts on sleep training which lead to co-sleeping, about lactation consultants and working back to breast from bottle after the NICU. About the pressure babies put on a marriage, and about how I felt the first time I was brave enough to look at my C-section scar in the mirror. About how I still can't eat graham crackers and milk without crying because it's what the nurses brought me to snack on in the hospital while I pumped for the twins, or about how crazy twin Mom guilt can be. Wow, so much guilt! And if I had found the words to write all of these posts over the past 10 months, would anyone have even read them or cared?
I'll just stick to posting about recipes and other pretty things and hold those raw emotions inside where no one can see the mess that is my constant emotional state these days. Yes, that sounds better. Because that just feels easier than laying it all out there and saying that it's hard.
You see, I'm starting to plan the twin's first birthday party and I'm procrastinating. Maybe it will make time slow down or maybe I'm just too overwhelmed by the expectation of a really awesome first birthday to do anything about it, but either way, I have a date and not much else. With that date looming over me like a chapter of my life titled "Babies," coming to a close, I'm trudging along day by day with an altogether icky feeling in my stomach and a sweet and painful ache in my heart. The emotional mess hasn't exactly cleaned itself up, along with my dishes and our garage, it's still there and it sucks.
Isn't the first year with baby or in my case babies, supposed to be sweet drooly bliss? No one prepared me for the hormones and the guilt and the unmet expectations. Not that babies didn't meet my expectations...they are everything and more! But I sure have fallen short. Don't get me wrong, Motherhood is better than expected! Really, it is. And no two babies were ever wanted as badly or loved as fiercely as these two. But that's not what this post is about. It's about the end of the day, when exactly zero emails have been responded to, when I've once again failed to make a home cooked dinner, when my jeans feel extra tight from all of the stress snacking and take out we've been eating, when all I want is a break and a shower, when I finally get the babies to sleep and the heavy-heavy guilt sets in. Did I read a book to the twins today? Did I hold Jackson as much as Millie? Was I present? Was I cranky? When will we ever have a date night? What ever happened to meal planning? Is it terrible that I fed non-organic blueberries to Jackson? Did I write in the baby books? Jesus! And I've gotten zero work done, or laundry folded, and I sit on the couch like a vegetable eating ice cream and hoping that if I get to bed at a decent hour the all-night nursing sessions won't completely drain me and leave me feeling resentful towards Jason and the entire population of parents whose babies sleep. Is it tomorrow yet? And in a blink of an eye a year has past.
My Mom is sitting next to me on the couch with tears in her eyes reminding me that there will come a day in the near future when Millie won't even want to sit on my lap anymore and the ickiness returns. Slow and sad and creeping in on everyone's words of sweet sentiment and parenthood advice. The days are long but the years are short, they say. Now a woman is standing next to me in an elevator with her teenage son looking down at Jackson in the stroller telling me that her son was that age just yesterday! It goes by so fast she says, enjoy it! Take more pictures, enjoy every moment before it's gone. That’s when I want to silence the world and hold my babies tighter and tell their first birthday to take a hike! (but not in the nice way)
The first year is so hard, and so precious and so short and nothing you can do changes that. So until they shove their chubby little fists into their very first piece of refined sugar birthday cake (ugh.), I'm going to try extra hard to soak it all up and give myself a break. It's not my season to be in shape, or to have the well decorated house, or to cook every night. It's not my season to kill-it career wise, or to start some amazing new creative venture, or to plant my dream vegetable garden. It's my season to be Jackson & Millie’s Mama, and that's enough. I'd better write that on my hand, my sleep deprived brain is likely to forget it in the morning.
Angie says
As a mom of a 13 month year old, I feel you and I hear you. The first year is SO tough and I have so much respect for you, doing this with two babies.
The one year mark really was a game changer for us; things got easier, baby and I both relaxed a little bit more and life got a lot brighter. He isn't sleeping through the night, we are still co-sleeping, still breastfeeding but somehow it just got easier. I hope you will feel the same in a few months.
Mother, you got this.
Leah Bergman says
Thank you for the encouragement Angie! I've heard from my girlfriends that the one year mark is really a turning point. I guess in some ways I'm looking forward to that but also a sad to see the babies times end.
Annie says
Yes to all of this!!!!!
Leah Bergman says
Thank you Annie!
Sandra says
Leah, you're an amazing writer. You bravely shared tender, vulnerable feelings in a way that sparks empathy in the reader--without being anything but honest. You're a good mom and wife and daughter and friend and blogger ('cause that's how I got to "know" you) not because of "pretty" or "clever" but because you care and it comes through in everything you do. Notice I didn't say "perfect"? What a burden that would be--for you and everyone around you. Nobody expects perfect, except maybe you 😉
Every age and stage that our children go through is exactly the right length for them and for us. My son is 26. I love the occasional moments when I see the flash of his three-year-old self ... and I appreciate that he has his own apartment and life. I loved every moment, including the teen-aged ones (although maybe not at the exact moment), but children are basically "on-loan" until they can stand on their own.
You had great joy before your children, you'll have great joy with your children, and great joy when you rediscover yourself (and Jason!). Memory is a funny thing, probably why so many people pine for the past. They forget there were a lot of challenges. Children force us to deal with everyday as it is and see the world through new eyes. When they move on, we have to, once again, be responsible for pushing ourselves to see the new and leave our comfort zones.
Maybe you just need to remember to KISS, keep it simple sweetie. Clothes don't need to be folded, one-year-olds don't care about parties, and good enough is good enough.
You're a talented writer, Leah, you're not just throwing haphazard thoughts and pretty pictures out there. Your writer's vision lets you see more, teases you, and shows you many paths. You are gifting us, your readers, with your passions and thoughts. Your appeal is ageless.
Sorry for the novel-length response, clearly your message was touching.
Leah Bergman says
Wow, thank you so much for the kind words! You really did make me tear up. Thank goodness no one is expecting perfection (aside from me) because you are right, that would be way too much to handle. I am already my own toughest critic. I love the KISS acronym. I will definitely try to remind myself to keep it simple. It's all I can do at this stage of my life anyway! I'm definitely pining after the baby stages that have already past and memories are so bittersweet to me. You really summed it all up so nicely! Anyway, thank you for the words of encouragement and thank you for reading my long post. xo
Planning for Paris says
Hugs, mama! Motherhood is not for the faint of heart! I keep trying to remind myself of all of these things too, especially when I put on not just leggings, but the same leggings as yesterday because I cannot fathom doing laundry and honestly leggings just fit better the next day. You've got this!
Leah Bergman says
Haha! Legging just fit better the next day. Perfect! We got this, Mama friend!
Katie Blume says
When I was pregnant with my first child, my mom told me I would feel "so in love" when I held my baby for the first time. She said I would feel a love I had never felt before. She was wrong. My first thought when I saw my daughter was, "Who is this stranger? Her hair is so dark. And her skin....it's so tan." She wasn't what I had imagined, being pale and blonde myself. Ha! Then came my first taste of mom guilt...why did she seem like a stranger? Why wasn't I "so in love"? And very quickly, like moments later, the crushing weight of the realization that I would be responsible for this little being for the rest of my life settled in my chest. I only had to push seven times to get her out so I can't even say I was wrecked from labor. And then I experienced my first feelings of a deep loneliness coupled with the thought that I may never be alone again (terrifying thought for an introvert) and a large side of mom guilt. So there I was, minutes after giving birth, feeling guilty, lonely, scared and crushed by the weight of what it meant to become a mother. People told me that I would be in such constant physical contact with my baby that I wouldn't want my husband to come anywhere near me. But I didn't feel that way at first. I needed him. He was my person. But it quickly became apparent that our roles during those early days would be very different. I would be the physical provider of nourishment....and that reality was also pretty intense for me as a first time mom. The love for my new baby came fast and the connection was deep....scary deep. For the first month, I cried every night when it got dark in anticipation of the night ahead....a long night where I would be awake more than asleep while I imagined all of my family and friends and neighbors and everyone on my block, in my town, in the entire time-zone sleeping soundly. That was obviously a false assumption, but it's how it felt that first month. Things got better as I settled into motherhood and I quickly loved it and felt a purpose that was greater than anything I had ever felt. But I didn't do anything else. I rarely cooked. I showered at light speed, threw my hair into a ponytail and bolted out the door with baby in stroller at 6:30....sometimes earlier, just to have somewhere to go and something to do that required minimal effort, but made me feel half human. My baby started having intense separation anxiety at one month old! No one could hold her, but me. I wanted to run screaming out of the house, but that dang connection thing....it was physical....literally in the physical sense, but also mentally and emotionally. That first year was rough. Of course there were many amazing moments and the love and cuteness were beyond words. I felt like I was a good mom. My family was everything without a second thought. And I quickly learned that every phase with children was temporary....the good phases, the bad phases, the crazy phases, the unexpected phases, but the mom guilt....I'm pretty sure that lasts forever. And it will try to suck the joy out of motherhood. Even when you're doing awesome! But especially when you're tired and frazzled.....which is basically every second of every day until your kids are above the age of four and then it's just like, seventy five percent of the time. I don't know how you do it with twins, Leah. And how you maintain a lovely, pretty, and cheerful blog about life (while you're in the trenches!) is beyond me. Your honesty about the struggle is awesome and a relief, I'm sure, to all the mom's out there who barely have time to read a blog let alone produce one!
Leah Bergman says
Katie, you really are a beautiful writer! I can relate to so, so much of what you just said. And the separation anxiety, and the deep-deep soul crushing bond. It's all one big raw ball of emotion, isn't it? Like all of our nerve endings are exposed at all times. Thanks for sharing your story and for reading mine. Miss you girlfriend! xo
Dana DeFrance says
Leah,
you are doing such an amazing job, congratulations! Although I never had twins, which I can't even imagine!! I kmow as all mothers we all go through the challenges of motherhood individually and some make it look easier than it really is. But I learned a long time ago to not compare myself to anyone and not get caught up in wasting time or energy projecting a perfect nonexistent world.. I remember wanting to write my own story called, "MotherShock"!! But someone beat me to the name, and of course I didn't even have time to write in my journal's that I used to do prior having children. I remember beating myself up over and over again for not getting back to my tiptop shape, but I was breast-feeding as well and it was more important to nourish my body and my children then it was to go on a diet. It is very important to take time for yourself even even a half an hour to make sure you always catch up on your sleep because sleep is everything naps are very important! And the biggest lesson I've had to learn is to let go and embrace the chaos of motherhood. I remember for the girls first birthdays we did nothing major, in fact I ordered Chinese takeout for Chloe's first birthday in our apartment and had some family members over. For Natasha's first birthday we were at a Italian festival and she had pizza for the first time. But it was fun to make their first cakes and take pictures of them eating it. Simple precious moments like that are what's really important in life. I wish we lived closer so I can help you out with the girls.. Please come down for a visit so you and Jason to go on a date and we can babysit! Love you!
Leah Bergman says
Haha, MotherShock! It's so nice to have other Mamas to talk to about this stuff! Thanks for all of the supportive words of encouragement. I miss you and the girls and would love to come down and see you all. I like the idea of pizza and a festival vs a party. That sounds like so much fun. xo
Emily says
When my son was 6 months old and I was working full time and just feeling like I sucked at everything, I paid a therapist good money to tell me, "Sometimes, good enough *really is* good enough." And I've repeated that to myself so many times. That and "This is just a season of life."
Leah Bergman says
Sometimes we just need someone to simplify it all for us, am I right? I love that, "Sometimes, good really is good enough." Thank you!
Cyd says
I know I said it via Snapchat, but thank you for your beautiful honesty! I am feeling so so so many of the same things. I have a few pretty similar posts drafted either in my head or in part in WordPress, waiting for the words to come together. As mommy to the world's coolest, happiest, most amazing little seven month baby girl, I never ever ever anticipated the toll motherhood would take on my career. (Or so it seems some days as I see the amazing things happening for our amazingly talented and hardworking cohorts!) Sometimes I feel outright panicky about it, and the number of times I find myself trying to wake up early or stay up late to catch up on emails or do this or do that, or making pages of notes and sketches for posts that never seem to get shot...well, frankly, it's exhausting. But then if I feel like I'm not giving her my best self because I'm struggling to perfect a recipe or paint a picnic blanket, I'm like, "What in the literal f*ck am I doing right now?" My situation, while only involving one tiny human, is also a little unique in that Bob is gone from Monday morning until Friday evening for work, so I fly completely solo during the week. Not having my partner in this come home at night even just to listen to me talk about how exhausted I am feels entirely isolating. 24/5 it's me and this baby and my guilt and the juggle struggle, and sometimes I actually think I am going nuts. At the end of the day, I commend you for being such an awesome mommy to those two amazing little babes. You will never ever ever look back on this time and regret one single thing. And the baby book! HA! I haven't even started hers (and I only have one to do) although I've tucked lots of things in the cover and taken lots of photos. Does that count? While I know exactly how it feels to not believe it, I will reassure you every day that you are doing an incredible job, and Jackson, Millie and Jason are all so very lucky to have you! XOXOXO
Leah Bergman says
Thank you Cyd! I seriously commend you for doing the Mom thing solo five days a week let alone run your business while doing it...and renovate a house! You are amazing and don't ever forget it. I know EXACTLY the panicky feeling as you see those around you accomplishing such great things. We are accomplishing great things too, we are growing and nurturing our babies and I will reassure you ever day that you are doing an incredible job as well. High five to us! xoxo
MaryAnne says
Gees, Leah. Your writing is exquisite, your emotion is raw, and your mother is left blubbering. You see, it doesn't matter how old your children are, you always wish you could do more for them and make their lives a little bit easier. You are an amazing woman, daughter, sister, wife, and mother. Perfectly imperfect. If I could only get you to sit on my lap.?
Vanessa says
This post reminded me of that first year with baby. I didn't have twins, but I think the hormone rollercoaster, the onset of a CRAZY amount of guilt and constant measuring yourself up for the mom job are par for the course for almost all of us moms. I don't think I felt like "myself" (whatever that means) until after that first birthday.
I can still get my 5-year-old to sit on my lap for about 30 seconds. 😉
jacquelyn | lark & linen says
Oh Leah, I'm not yet a mother but your words hit me hard and I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big ol' hug. When it comes down to it, I believe that in my heart of hearts that the fact that you're feeling these things at all already means you're doing an incredible job. Those babies are so lucky to have you. and if you need me to remind you of that daily I'd be happy to! Xo
Jayme | holly & flora says
Leah, thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts. I'd say to toss the ideas of a full-on first birthday celebration and just soak up a casual potluck with family and close friends. The times where my fiancé and I have blown off a big obligation and just run off to the mountains or simply stayed at home and grilled out were the most fun and memorable.
I don't have children yet, and perhaps, I won't, but I can relate to those days where no sleep is had, no work is done, and the resulting emotions run their course. Those are the days where you sit back and just soak up the love around you, the love that no one else sees, the deeds that no one else witnesses.
Much love to you, and I seriously hope that you get some sleep soon. We are all doing the very best that we can, with the resources we have, with the time we're able to capture.
The biggest of hugs to you and your adorable littles,
Jayme
gardenmo says
This whole blog post brought tears to my eyes and I'm so happy you shared your words. I love your blog and I've enjoyed all your recipes and seeing these two little cuties grow!
When I look at my babies - now 14, 12 and 10 - I am humbled by how fast that went by.....yet I remember the sheer exhaustion of how slow it felt at times too. I remember how hard it was when they were babies/toddlers, but some days I feel like these teen days are harder. I long for the days when a nurse and nap fixed their 'problems.' In the big picture, if I've raised them to be nice people in a world that seems like it's not very nice at all, I have done my job.
Sometimes people will think they are giving you good advice when they say "It gets easier." I am not one of those people.....I don't think it gets easier, it's just different. They will sleep more someday and you will still not ever really sleep. They grow and learn, and you will grow and learn too. We are given the gift of mothering from the moment those babies take their first breath until the day we die. I am fourteen years into motherhood and I think I finally understand that whether they are 1 year old, or 40+ years old, I will always worry. It's a mother's gift and curse. 🙂
Jen Kessler says
I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and, just ugh, I feel ya! I don't care how much chocolate I eat, ice cream I have or about the fact that for the first 4 months of my baby girls life I ate almost an entire box of graham crackers every 2 days. I need those grahams. And for the first month after being home I insisted on eating exactly what I ate in the hospital because it comforted me. It's been a year since my baby girl was born and I still feel blue. Two kids is a lot and it is so taxing on every part of life. As a side note, it's so funny how just a simple, smiley baby picture can make you feel so in love with having babies. Pure craziness!
Catherine Elizabeth says
Leah-I met you at Create and Cultivate a couple of years ago, and you couldn't have explained the first year of motherhood any better. I went through the exact experience as you-son being in Nicu, trying to get back to breast, and now having not touched my creative side (my blog), ever since motherhood. Also-as I am now planning my son's first birthday party, my emotions are bittersweet at how far my little family has come even with the much sleep deprived days that my husband and I have had. Love this post!
Melinda says
This post made me cry and wish I could be friends with you in real life! Warning: I am not a good writer like you or your other readers above but I just wanted to say that I can totally relate and I'm also so impressed by all that you do! I know how awful it feels to be asked how your babies are sleeping (thanks for the reminder and for making me feel like I'm failing at the whole sleep training thing!). Yeah, I feel like my first year was hard, too! For my first son I immediately started using formula, too, because pumping and trying to get him to latch was making me crazy. I felt like me getting some sleep would make me a better mom than exclusively breastfeeding would. Don't put too much pressure on yourself! My boys are 19 months and 3 months and I hate to admit that we barely get around to wiping down my older son's wooden high chair and vacuuming under it. It's so gross! What is wrong with us? Sometimes I ask myself, so does your house just stop being neat once you have more than one kid? Is this our new reality? Don't worry, you are not alone! We didn't even do a bday party! I honestly can't imagine how hard it is to have twins but I feel like our second baby is a lot easier and less stressful than the first because we kind of know what to expect, breastfeeding is easier, etc. My husband has already forgotten how poorly our first baby slept!? I wish you could experience this feeling! Anyway, that was a lot of random stuff but thank you for sharing your story with us--it is so relatable!
Jaime Lopez says
With a 10-month old baby of my own, I feel you girl and your sentiments on how much it takes out of us mamas. This season of life is not about being swimsuit-ready or having photo-worthy fashion posts or home decor that is magazine-worthy, its about pouring your love into those beautiful babes. Thanks for sharing and you are doing great!
- Jaime
southonbroadwayblog.com